After the inventory has been completed, the missing items replaced, some, anyway - others simply put out of mind, being they are out of sight, after the broken things have been discarded, the empty spaces filled with items dear - I look around and take note.
This is my home - it was before you came, and although while you were here I doubted at times if I could ever feel at home here again, I am reclaiming it, piece by piece, inch by inch.
Some signs remain, a missed fingerprint on the window - a forgotten item that fell in with the many knick knacks accumulated throughout the years - a whiff of a scent, thought to have left with you after you closed that door for the last time.
Still I jump from time to time, glancing at the clock, frantic to make it back in time, to not get chastised for being late for dinner that, I have to admit, was prepared lovingly.
Freedom from it all seems such a strange emotion. It does not feel real - not yet. So much is still left to do, but now I can tend to each task when I feel like it. The pressure has not yet lifted, it is a strange feeling, knowing I am no longer held accountable to rules set by you, rules I never agreed to - rules I had no idea would be part of what I had envisioned our lives to be.
It has only been four weeks since I last saw you. I would be lying if I said I do not miss you.
I loved talking with you so many months ago, I feared for your safety and fretted like a mother would knowing her child is in danger. The myriad of feelings experienced while you traveled thousands of miles to join me are such that I can't even find names for. All I remember is elation and joy upon learning you had arrived and were so very close.
I brought you home, into my sanctuary - and it felt right. For a while.
My soul was happy to connect with yours, and the human parts of us were enjoying each others' company, too. For a while.
It was only to last a few very short weeks before the madness would return, that part of you which I could only guess existed. The part of you that you would mention, in passing.
You never lied to me about your past, and the more you shared, the sadder I became. The human in me felt so sad about the life the human in you had to endure in just a few short years.
Momentary glimpses that our souls caught of each other kept us bound together, while life in this time and form quickly overtook everything and took away the happiness, to be replaced by trepidation, fears and doubt.
I watched you when you were sleeping, my beautiful angel - the man with a 1,000 faces, as I used to call you. You did have many faces - I could not give an accurate description of your features if pressed to do so. If I could paint, I doubt I would be able to extract the picture from my soul - which is where I keep it, safely tucked away, knowing one day I shall be reunited with you again, in a very different place than this life form, in this place we call earth.
I am angry at those who robbed you of the ability to love, which they did by withholding love from you - instead introducing brutality into the life of a toddler no human should ever experience. I realize these are human emotions, and I have been fighting my own internal battle, trying to understand, to comprehend, how all this works and the why.... why, oh why - and yet - I know the answers.
You see, my soul speaks to me and I understand that you chose this life to teach. Not just me, but many who have come into your life - and left.
This was and is your task here, at this time.
I appreciate the hard lesson I was taught by you. I know it was not easy for you, but you forged ahead and did what you came to do.
Remember, my soul observed and saw, and we spoke, without words.
You were steadfast with your mission, and knowing time was of the essence, you drove in the knife, deep, into my heart.
As I was crying out in pain, I was mourning the loss I knew was impending and yet, I allowed you to finish teaching your lesson.
Thank you for having enough constraint not to follow through all the way - which you could have easily done - like a fool I was antagonizing you, yet you kept yourself in control, hard as it was, you did.
My sweet angel, in three short months you managed to teach me a lesson I needed to learn. Sure - I already had the prerequisites, you know - the college credits I had earned before you came into my life. Little did I know that the hardest part would be taught fast and thoroughly.
I am told that we are the last of the old souls and once we return, we do not have to go back.
I will be looking for you so that I can tell you myself - thank you for teaching me to grow up.
I will always love you.
