Pure positive energy dwells inside of me.

I have this odd fascination with reading comments by people who must inherently be so full of fear – 
Anyhow – they have all taught me a lot.
Pure positive energy dwells inside of me. 
Goodness and kindness, empathy and the willingness to serve. To share, to give – without expecting anything in return.
I listen to my inner voice – more so now than I have ever before.
I have learned to heed its truth. I believe in the truth that it is – the pure instinct born from deep within, not influenced by anything from the outside, nothing calculated, no hesitation, simple pure thought.
Not weighing any pros or cons, not measuring or wondering, simply following the inner guidance system that we all have access to, but so few trust to follow.
I am now past middle age and moving towards the next stage of life – knowing that it may be cut short much sooner than the lives of my mother and aunts – and it does no longer cause me any fear.
The anguish my impending demise evoked in me has finally burned itself out – like a candle deprived of oxygen – 
I know with a certainty I have never felt before that I will be OK. I need not fret – no fear – no harm can come to me. It is OK. I will be just fine.
My ears will tune in to positive sounds, those audible and those you only hear with your heart.
I have learned that I can observe and listen, discern and decide – that which resonates with me and that which does not.
I am an Empath. I can feel deeply, I am a Sensitive – my mind, my whole being tunes in to the emotions around me – 
I have learned to understand – and to recognize the fears and anger some are feeling and am focusing – on the thoughts and emotions I resonate with – tuning in to the pure thoughts – of love and kindness – without any motive other than to be of service.
How may I serve?
I understand now – when you truly listen to your Self. Untouched by any outside influence, ignoring any and all advice or guidance from others, thinking without words and only living for the Feeling – the truest form of being in this world, now – when I do so, I have no excuses – the moment I try to justify anything – make excuses – stopping my straight forward train of thought and feeling any doubt – it means I have stopped listening – and I know I must focus again, tune everything out – others do not know me – they know nothing – and have no influence over me – not anymore – I shall no longer listen to that which cause unrest, in me and to all around me. It is untruth. 
I understand now I am truly the maker of my destiny, and it has nothing to do with gaining riches, beating out competition, looking sharper than another, sounding better, dressing better – it is not about any of this – I am only listening to my inner voice which guides me to feel pure loving thoughts.
It is my hope that others will find the Truth, too. The ugly words will be unspoken, the threats and viciousness, the calculated attacks, the sneers and cackles, the vile laughter – the harassment, bullying and lashing out, the meanness and distorted thinking – brought on by fear – fear of living today, fear of tomorrow, and most of all, fear of – after. 
The drive to amass fortunes, the pretense of living a life of luxury and make-belief – the lie of feeling generous, when giving is done only so far as it is not felt directly – 
I learned that giving of yourself and of your things means more if it creates a perceived lack in your life. 
I will continue to think on this. And continue to practice living within myself, with my Self.

I am Ginger. I speak for the Rabbits. This time I was asked if I would deliver a message to a human - you - who am I to say no? I am just a Bunny - 
she said to tell you that her heart belonged to you- until you decided you no longer wanted it. It has taken a while for her to understand, and she said she probably never will truly understand - but she accepts the facts. I can see she hurts - as I assume you are. And maybe you are not - I am just a little Bunny.
She said to tell you that you are now free. She decided to set YOU free - as she still had a hold on you. But she set you free. 
And she said to tell you she loved you. 
And she said to tell you that she will always have love in her heart for you - until the end of days.
And she said that she hopes your life will be a good one and that you find happiness and everything that you long for. 
And that's all.
Thank you!
Ginger.
(written in 2011 I think?)

My House – by Ingrid Phoenix Doerksen (C)

November 9, 2013 at 11:30am

My House ~

It has a small kitchen downstairs – with a small stove –and when you cook you should really leave the cupboard doors open or you stink up the place. The stove is a built-in type.

My house has many long hallways, leading into many rooms – all with so much closet space!
I only walk thru – while I cook/steam some vegetable – and brew some coffee.

I go upstairs and discover the main kitchen – oh my – so much space –all the walls are white.
Walls and walls of drawers and built-in platforms with collapsible appliances.
On the side are wide long drawers and I open the one on the bottom, to see that the previous owner left behind her silver. I must get that to her.

The entire wall on one side is cabinets – I can’t count how many – and as I open them I see the woman who used to live her used all that space – she even papered the cupboards.
She must have packed hastily at the end – or the movers did not open every cupboard door.

I will sort through it – some is trash, but one is this big blue velvet covered case,
At least 3 ft wide and 2 ft tall – and you open it and it is doubled in size and it has mementos tucked into compartment – all of a different size.
Some of the items I recognize, they are my mother’s and my sisters’ hand writings, postcards sent years ago, and tiny pot holders crocheted by my mom, I presume – they are in a patters I recognize as hers. – other knickknacks I only glance at before closing the case.

The neighbors are coming over, one is Kim who used to live next door to us (when we still lived in the other house)
Kim has friends over and someone wants coffee – so I offer to make a pot.
She comes along with me and is excited when I show her my house.

I see a magazine in one of the many shelves and it talks about a house being called The Castle. And that it has been used in the movies.
My house is big enough to be one, but I don’t think they are writing about my house, it is too modern looking – so I look outside, and up the street – much higher up on the top of the mountain I see 2 houses that could qualify being called The Castle. One is rusty brown or burgundy colored with light trim, and it has turrets and 2 or 3 small towers, to.
The other is an ocher colored older villa type house. Maybe its that one?

I turn away from that and follow Kim who opens a double door.
We see a round circle in the room before us – actually the room sits below us – so it has extra high ceilings. There is a railing to prevent us from falling and we rest on it and lean over and admire the tile work in the room,a large oval design – and looking around we decide this could be an indoor poolroom. One of her friends has joined us and we contemplate what sort of pool I’d get and put there – indoor swimming pool. We settle on a dough-boy.

Kim’s friend is having coffee and eating a big piece of a vegetable I had cooking on the stove earlier. I never said he could have it –but it is over-cooked and looks like a very limp head of lettuce. He seems to like it – oh well.

I am very excited to have this house and want to spread out,but not fill ever nook and cranny – especially once I open the door in the ceiling, leading to the attic. I see old and dusty items, boxes – stuff that seems to have been here forever, and having belonged to more than one owner. I decide then that I won’t be adding to the small pile – maybe sort though it some day. I close the door.

As I walk downstairs again, feeling very content about my life and what lies before me, I decide that the upstairs part (on the 2^ndfloor) will be the main living area ~~
I smile.”


Then I woke up.

(This is by far the most vivid dream I have ever remembered. Usually dreams fade quickly - this one did not. So I wrote it down. Nice house....and it did look like the picture I chose to put with this note )

Remember when....

Remember when...

After the inventory has been completed, the missing items replaced, some, anyway - others simply put out of mind, being they are out of sight, after the broken things have been discarded, the empty spaces filled with items dear - I look around and take note.
This is my home - it was before you came, and although while you were here I doubted at times if I could ever feel at home here again, I am reclaiming it, piece by piece, inch by inch.
Some signs remain, a missed fingerprint on the window - a forgotten item that fell in with the many knick knacks accumulated throughout the years - a whiff of a scent, thought to have left with you after you closed that door for the last time.
Still I jump from time to time, glancing at the clock, frantic to make it back in time, to not get chastised for being late for dinner that, I have to admit, was prepared lovingly.
Freedom from it all seems such a strange emotion. It does not feel real - not yet. So much is still left to do, but now I can tend to each task when I feel like it. The pressure has not yet lifted, it is a strange feeling, knowing I am no longer held accountable to rules set by you, rules I never agreed to - rules I had no idea would be part of what I had envisioned our lives to be.
It has only been four weeks since I last saw you. I would be lying if I said I do not miss you.
I loved talking with you so many months ago, I feared for your safety and fretted like a mother would knowing her child is in danger. The myriad of feelings experienced while you traveled thousands of miles to join me are such that I can't even find names for. All I remember is elation and joy upon learning you had arrived and were so very close.
I brought you home, into my sanctuary - and it felt right. For a while.
My soul was happy to connect with yours, and the human parts of us were enjoying each others' company, too. For a while.
It was only to last a few very short weeks before the madness would return, that part of you which I could only guess existed. The part of you that you would mention, in passing.
You never lied to me about your past, and the more you shared, the sadder I became. The human in me felt so sad about the life the human in you had to endure in just a few short years.
Momentary glimpses that our souls caught of each other kept us bound together, while life in this time and form quickly overtook everything and took away the happiness, to be replaced by trepidation, fears and doubt.
I watched you when you were sleeping, my beautiful angel - the man with a 1,000 faces, as I used to call you. You did have many faces - I could not give an accurate description of your features if pressed to do so. If I could paint, I doubt I would be able to extract the picture from my soul - which is where I keep it, safely tucked away, knowing one day I shall be reunited with you again, in a very different place than this life form, in this place we call earth.
I am angry at those who robbed you of the ability to love, which they did by withholding love from you - instead introducing brutality into the life of a toddler no human should ever experience. I realize these are human emotions, and I have been fighting my own internal battle, trying to understand, to comprehend, how all this works and the why.... why, oh why - and yet - I know the answers.
You see, my soul speaks to me and I understand that you chose this life to teach. Not just me, but many who have come into your life - and left.
This was and is your task here, at this time.
I appreciate the hard lesson I was taught by you. I know it was not easy for you, but you forged ahead and did what you came to do.
Remember, my soul observed and saw, and we spoke, without words.
You were steadfast with your mission, and knowing time was of the essence, you drove in the knife, deep, into my heart.
As I was crying out in pain, I was mourning the loss I knew was impending and yet, I allowed you to finish teaching your lesson.
Thank you for having enough constraint not to follow through all the way - which you could have easily done - like a fool I was antagonizing you, yet you kept yourself in control, hard as it was, you did.
My sweet angel, in three short months you managed to teach me a lesson I needed to learn. Sure - I already had the prerequisites, you know - the college credits I had earned before you came into my life. Little did I know that the hardest part would be taught fast and thoroughly.
I am told that we are the last of the old souls and once we return, we do not have to go back.
I will be looking for you so that I can tell you myself - thank you for teaching me to grow up.
I will always love you.

Let me ...just Be.

Someone is not happy that I chose to do what I want to do. I am not sorry. I am doing what is right for me.
It has been 11 days since I broke Free. That is not a very long time at all. I am only just realizing it.
Only just now spending time without dwelling on what happened.
Only now distracted enough to not notice the things that are missing, broken etc - instead, seeing what IS there.
Forgive me for looking out for myself for now. I need this time.
I am not ready at all to start something new. Or rekindle the past.
Let me ...just Be.
No pressures. That's the last thing I need right now..... *sigh*

April 18, 2014

Ghosts of Our Past ~~~

Phantoms of our pasts are with us, even when we think we have left them behind; they will linger and come to us when we call them, or they will make themselves known at the most unexpected times.

Ghosts casting shadows… shadows as ghosts…

I am learning that they are not our enemies, they are not the tormentors as we may think they are, but instead welcome reminders that whatever happened in the days, and years which are now our pasts – it happened exactly how it was meant to.

I am realizing that we all carry baggage – the ghosts of past  relationships once thought to be the perfect crowning of our existence – and now just memories – they do not deserve to be ignored or even deemed harmful to our new lives we have managed to carve out of what is left of that which we thought once was perfection….

Even this presence in time will be but a memory tomorrow.

Remember the good times as well as the bad.

The memories of those who were once an important part of our lives are still shaping us to be who we are today.

I am making peace with this and moving on, head held high, hopes and dreams alive again – knowing that we are young and so much life is left to live ~ happiness, if only we allow it to be…. I am ready.

Now share some of that chocolate with me, please? It goes so well with my wine. ~~~~

(C) IPD

There's always something -

Have you ever thought that you might want to write a book? Or maybe some other dream, painting, singing, dancing or acting - whatever- it was in your mind, your heart - consuming you, and yet - you have not made that first step - or if you have - how far did you go?
I have had that dream for many years - but there was always something that kept me occupied otherwise.... (ah, there's that word! "OtherWise")
I have been collecting stories, mine and others' ~ and I can tell you, they are not just collected in my head - oh no, I have boxes full of papers, notes, essays, pictures - my life in boxes.
Boxes - the story of my life IS boxes - and it is IN the boxes...I think it is time I started unpacking.
Always collecting stories, memories and dreams - also known as past, present and future.

So - after moving into my little place in quite a haste about 17 months ago, not much has changed in here. I had been wondering if I might be suffering from some sort of depression or something - you know, maybe I need to add another pill to my nightly regimen?! I'm by myself, nobody visits, and anyone who wants to is immediately discouraged from that - yeah - so why bother?
Come to find out, I have always been lazy, always loved to sleep in (noon or longer) stay up late, eat well after cooking a great meal - however, dishes?! Me??? No - not unless I absolutely have to.
I found some notes my now ex-husband and I used to leave for each other at the table and just about every single one of mine started out with "I could have slept longer" - or "I did not want to get up!" - you get the idea. "Thanks for doing the dishes."
Was I ever relived to read all that, dating back 30+ years - and then remembering my mother trying to rouse me way back when I was in my teens - I slept til 1 or 2pm, easily. Now, I did not get home until about 4 or 6am - so a girl needs her sleep, right?

Anyhow, I digress - or so I think, but it all will fit nicely together in the story, it always does - I am actually quite good at this. :)

So - after moving in fast and furiously in September of 2010 (that's a long story I'll share another time,) then getting involved in 2 whirlwind romances, with one possibly having my guy move here from 2,000 miles east to the other one taking me back to Europe - neither one panned out. The first, not much would have changed, I would have had him help with the straightening out - (Oh, I can hear him chuckle now...)
The other one? Well, have you ever priced a move across continents? Let's just say I was happy to have my nest-egg in the form of my car - or else I might have spent it all and then really had egg in my face. - As it was, I had barely begun unpacking in early 2011, when the possibility of me joining my then fiance in Europe came up and luckily I still had boxes, so I re-packed.
And sold my stuff. And sold some more stuff. And then I started shipping. And luckily that was about the time my betrothed decided I was not the woman he wanted to marry any longer (little did he know I had been trying to figure out how to break it to him that I was no longer enthused about the idea either) - he beat me to it, and in a classy move - so very 2011 - I was unfriended on Facebook and blocked. He never called me, I never called him to discuss this, I may be slow to learn (long story about waiting 30 years to divorce,) but this was something I learned quite fast - I will never ever try to win a man back, either you want to be in my life, or not. There will be no pleading or begging - ever.
Of course the split from my handsome and sweet lover was painful,  I am working hard on remaining positive, and am doing OK with it - however, I never did see it coming.

Then one day my income was cut (short work-week, due to economy, and I actually do understand that) - but of course my creditors - esp landlord, do not see it that way. I started to doubt. I stayed away from my support group, Facebook. That one may be hard to believe to some, but it is true, my Facebook friends helped me through a lot, they are instrumental in what changes have happened these past 3 years.

Which brings me to today - I am about to embark on yet another adventure, and lo - I get to pack once again! This time, much is going to be sold off and donated, the rest boxed up and hopefully fit under my bed. I am moving across the back yard to a 2 bedroom apartment and will be sharing with a neighbor friend. She is alone and was going to downsize, I can no longer afford this on my own - and so I will have a year to contemplate what I am going to do with the 2nd half of my life.

Me thinks I'll be sleeping good tonight. It is going to be a huge change - but you do what you have to do. I am contemplating returning home - but that is not something one decides in a few weeks. I know that now. I am not doubtful, or afraid - I am just wanting to sleep on it a few times, and long!

to be continued....